Yay! finally got my tattoo done today! its of 3 bats with red eyes. Its down my right side, the smallest bat hurt the most coz it was on my ribs, but looking at it now, it was so worth it! so cant wait till next payday till i get another! hmmm what to get next............

Ok, so ive manages to go 2 weeks without cutting. Which im very happy about. Ive got a weird method of not doing it but it amuses people. I read the booklet Bev gave me and ive highlited parts that are important or relevant to me, and i just started thinking that i didnt need to do this and its not the right way to deal with things, so i decided to stop. the first 3 days were so hard, i stayed out of my room and jkept myself busy. Everytime i felt the urge to do it, i put on my ipod, put the music up loud and started dancing around to the music no matter how stupid i look. Its getting easier now, but when im on my own, just with my thoughts thats when the urge comes back and i start to think about it. But then i go off and do other things like tidying up or something.

Thanks kai, for the other week, i havent laughed so much in ages and my jaw ached the next day. But im sure i managed to raise my eyebrow slightly even if i did it with a weird face. And you will never beat me at snap lol. But thanks.

So yea, family are away on holiday now, they left monday night at 12.15am. Its been pretty cool. I was shopping with my cousin today and she has seen the cuts on my wrists, the new ones, and she asked how i did it, and i just said i cut it, she asked why and i just shrugged my shoulders. And that was that. im not gonna try and hide them i dont see the point. If people see then people see. I have nothing to hide.

Yea, so yesterday was a really bad day, but i wont go into that. ive told bev, and thats all that really matters. Ive had a pretty good week, until i went to the swings the other day, on my own, and i was just sitting there because i had to get away, and i had this sadness suddenly come all over me and i started to cry, but i dont know why, and then i found a piece of glass on the floor and cut my leg twice. But anyway i went up to the school today and the letter was there, they want me to continue to with the support and help im recieving of bev, and there was a booklet about all other peoples accounts on self harm, from people that had done it to frinds and family.

I put a poem on this website thing when i was feeling upset the other week, and this girl started to talk to me about self harm, and im so glad she did. Talking to someone who knows how im feeling and what im going through is a lot better that talking to someone who doesnt have a clue and is just being sympathetic. She has really helped me alot over the past week and i have her. Im glad i met her.

Thats it, oh cousin update, she is not dead yet, but she is getting very close lol. she shouts a hell of a lot, leaves my room a mess and follows me around like a shadow. But apart from that were ok. We actually had a good night last night, we had a laugh and didnt stop till about 2, so it was fun.

So my cousin came down on sunday, and today is tuesday and i already feel like asking her to go home. ok i know thats mean buts shes so annoying lol, and she is on her phone every second of the day, literally and all i hear is her laughing and whats even worse is that she has two phones so there is twice as much laughing and texting and its really annoying. im considering hiding her phones but i think she will kill me if i did. but it wiould be so worth it. OK now she is phoning someone else.

So as you know the meeting was yesterday, and it was a weird experience. The main thing is that i dont have a mental illness which i think was pretty obvious. It was a woman who gave the assesment and she was nice she listened to me sitting the rambling on and shit. I cried twice, which i hate myself for. But it went ok i guess, she asked loads of questions and i had to answer them all to the best of my ability which was kinda hard telling a complete stranger all your personal problems and secrets which wasnt very nice. She thinks that one of the main reasons is because of the relationship with my mum. She described it as a pyramid and that my parents have given me the bottom layer, you know all the basic essentials for living and survival, like food, shelter etc. But the next layer all the emotional care and support i need, i dint get so there is a big void. I told her that i didnt see a point in having or starting to build a relationship with my mum because i dont see the point because once i leave next year im not coming back ever. All the times i needed my mum to be there for me and she wasnt, which has had more of an effect than i ever knew i guess. But anyway, the woman said that she doesnt know what treatment she can offer so she is going to discuss it with her collegues on monday then a letter will be sent to the learning mentors and to my GP and then i will know. Im gonn a be going into the mentors during the holidays anyway, so ill be able to get the letter then. Bev was speaking to me today and she said that if, i dont meet up with someone from there, then she is gonna take me to a place called Bridge in town, and she said she will go with me and support me, which i am really grateful for. Bev also asked me how many times i have cut myself since like over a month ago and i had to tell her, and she was so shocked, i guess i was to. I guess i should say how many because its not really polite when i tell you all this, and leaving bits out, but i have done it 119 times in 5 weeks which i know is bad so i dont need to be told.

So yea today is that meeting and im kinda scared but im sure it will be ok. I guess i am nervous about what they are going to ask and curious also, but well ill find out in 4 hours. I think bev wants to come in with me just for the start so i will be ok but it would just be easier to go in on my own. so yea ive been up for just over an hour, and im bored so you can have an update lol =]

Me: Mum, guess what, i have passed my internal moderation for my level 3. All i have to do now is pass the external and ive completly passed, I know ive passed the external because i passes the internal, so all i have to do now is wait for conformation and my certificate. Yay *Huge cheshire cat grin*

Mum: Well done Charlotte.

I hoped it would go like that but no as usual it didnt, it went like this instead:

Me: Mum, guess what, i have passed my internal moderation for my level 3. All i have to do now is pass the external and ive completly passed, I know ive passed the external because i passes the internal, so all i have to do now is wait for conformation and my certificate. Yay *Huge cheshire cat grin*

Mum: *slightly nods head to acknowledge what i have said, and then turns to my father and continues to slag of her work friends.*

I cant believe it, i know its just a stupid qualification, but i have worked really hard to make sure that im the first to pass. Ive spent so much extra time in school re-writing up all my reflective logs and writing up the assessment sheets, and all i get as a well done is a nod of the head. Everyone at learning mentors said 'Well done Charlotte' and gave me a hug. I was so pleased that i passed, and she just brought me straight back down again. I told Bev that she wouldnt say well done but there was just a very tiny part of me that hoped she would congratulate me in some way, i guess the nod was her way. It reminds me off the time when i went to give my mum a kiss to say thanks for a great birthday, and she pushed me away. But i have vowled not to cry over her any more, our 'relationship' is not mother and daughter anymore, not that it really was in the first place, now she is just an acquaintance someone who i just say hello to and thats it. I dont want a relationship with her anymore. ive managed to keep everything to myself that i have ever wanted to say to her, it will continue to be that way. I dont need her.

One of them was because of her tonight.

Im getting fucking stressed out. Level 3 peer mentoring, yea sounds piss easy, like fuck it is. Im seriously gonna scream. And also i have that whole meeting thing going on in my head, i keep thinking about what they may ask and in the end they are just gonna say im attention seeking or something, which im not.

q5h vguizdjkrlhio;wjseruv cdsgauin awhety qjpiojwev mhtjrwupjio sdm

Wow i needed that! =]

Ok well anybody who cares, i have an appointment on the 18th of july at 9.30am with someone form the young adults mental health thingy i dont know. so yea that should be fun, trying to explain something that i dont even know myself and havent figured out yet.cant wait.

I did it again, im not proud of meself but oh well cant change it now =]

Waycest made me laugh XD

I'll be there-
*When no one is there for you*
*And you think no one cares*
*When the whole world walks out on you*
*And you think you're alone*
I'll be there-
*When the one you care about the most*
*Could care less about you*
*When the one you gave your heart to*
*Throws it in your face*
I'll be there-
*When the person you trusted*
*Betrays you*
*When the person you share all your memories with*
*Cant even remember your birthday*
I'll be there-
*When all you need is a friend*
*To listen to you whine*
*When all you need is someone*
*To catch your tears*
I'll be there-
* When your heart hurts so bad*
* You cant even breathe*
* When you just want to crawl up and die*
I'll be there-
*When you start to cry*
*After hearing that sad song*
*When the tears just won't*
*Stop falling down*
I'll be there-
*So you see I'll be there until the end*
*This is a promise I can make*
*If you ever need me*
*Just give me a call and...*
I'll be there...*

I wanted him for a soulmate, a lover, a confidant, a life assistant, my right-hand man, my closest friend.
I wanted to share my every feeling. I need someone to tell things to - to laugh at my jokes, to tear me down, to build me up, be violent with me, be tender with me.
To woner what im thinking, to smile when i say 'I Love You', to respond when i love him, when i feel and touch him. I wanted someone to think about me and daydream about me, like i do all those things about him. To worry about me, to miss me, to look forward to seeing me, to be reminded of me by silly little things like colours, peircings or songs.

......But i dont think he does......

OK so sunday was so much fun i went back down to LONDON, even though we did go with Clarson, me and Richelle had a good time. Well i got up at 7, well i thought it was 7, i forgot that the clooks went back an hour but i got up and ready then Clarkson phoned like i knew he would to find out where i live so i met him at the shops and we went and called for Richelle.

Then we were driving and Richelle asked if she could put a cd on, but i didnt like any off the music she put on so i just sat and read my Kerrang mag and we started talking about music and how hot Ville Valo is yum!

After we had to stop of so that Clarkson could go and get some money for the train tickets, and there were a load of really cute army guys there, so were at the service station and Richelle stayed by the car to have a fag, me and Clarkson went in coz i needed toilet, then wen i got back Richelle told me that most of the army guys turned to look at me and that just made me laugh, because of what kai sed to me too about all those guys, well anyway me and Richelle waited for Clarkson to come back and we went into the service station for food and fags, Then we drove to Luton airport to get the train and it was Richelle's first time on a proper train so we had a laugh about that. Then when we got to kings cross and we went to the central synagogue and we were there early so we went and had burger that cost £6 each but we didnt have to pay for it the school is paying for it yay! Then we just managed to get to the synagogue in time and we sat down and listened to a lady called Kitty Hart-Moxen she was a surviovor of the camp and it was out pure luck and chance that she survived and her mum did too, but she spoke really quickly and it was brief so i decided to buy her book and i got her to sign it to, im so sad! Then we had to go into our groups that we would be with when we go on the trip and we had to go and sit next to someone we didnt know and introduce ourselves tell us y we wanted to go on the trip and a bit about ourselves then we had to introduce each other to the group, i was with a gurl called Jenny and she was really nice we jus sat there talking about music for 10 mins after we were talking about the Artic Monkeys, Darkness nu song, Audioslaves nu song and MCR too this gurl was wearing the same tee as laura and i so wanted one! But well we sed well see each other in the hotel well go to the bar and have a drink.

Once the seminar had finished we left and got the train back, and Richelle and Clarkson were talking aboput what was found in peoples burgers from mcdonalds, and in Richelles magazine was all the different types of contraceptives and we were reading throught them wiv Clarkson, then Richelle started takling about how she went to geta bra n these women were talking about boob jobs n they sed to Richelle that she didnt need one shes already got boobs n afta we both looked at Clarkson coz it was so funny. Then Clarkson started talking about his train that he lives on, n we were having a gd time really. Then when we got back to Luton, we all brought food and we had to go to the hotel to book the rooms we are staying 2 nites coz Clarkson wont be able to drive us bak, me n Richelle are sharing a room and Clarksons got his n then he sed he may have company and Richelle started talking about his sounds comin from his room i couldnt stop laughing. While Clarkson was booking the rooms me n Richelle were talking about if u were in a relation ship n he cheated on u what would u do. she sed she would be pissed off i sed that in my future relationships i really cant see my self being too faithful so i would have the kinda relationship where if ur partner agreed u could go off and have sex with whoever. n we were talking about that, then Clarkson showed us the pictures of his home well his train and its pretty cool it looks quite nice. Then me n Richelle started talking about music again so i put my mp3 player on n we sat listening to MCR n she sed that it was actually pretty good, so we sat there listening to some Greenday n Eminem till the battery ran out then we just sat and chilled for a bit and Richelle found some weird pictures in Clarksons car.

Then i got in i got a phone call from Matt askin me to come out he was with Mike and Pete me thinks.... but i couldnt i was gonna sneak out but me dad was downstairs so that kinda backfired but ah well, maybe next time.

a true friend is the best possesion

the only rose without thorns is friendship

friendship is the golden thread that ties the hearts of the world

friends create the world

when friends meet hearts warm

nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend

true friends are the whole world to one another

a friend is a present you give to yourself

a friend in need is a friend indeed

no one is too small to be able to be able to help a friend

happiness seems to be made to be shared

a friend may be reckoned the masterpiece of nature

OK i have no idea y im so happy i jus really am, i cant stop smiling and i laugh and smile at the most stupid things, n thanks kai i needed to tell sumone.

Oh laura thanks for comin i had a really good time, n me ma sed that u didnt hold a breath witch made me laugh ok talk soon bye x

hey wow not long till my holiday, im leaving in one hour and sixteen minutes cant wait. But ill have to say bye and ill see ya in 16 days bye all lol see ya x

Hey people, cant wait holiday tomorrow, ill miss u all but ill miss me dog more lol. Ok well i thought ill just say hello and goodbye to i was gonna say Bon Voage but i cant remember what it means lol ok well ill see ya wen im nice and brown, oh and wen i left u guys i saw Mogga ah he will so be mine. lol ok talk to u guys soon and if anything happens to me kai u can have all my books lol!